


Natural

by SugoiKawaiiDesuNe



Series: Silver Linings [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit, Anxiety | Virgil is a mess, Anxiety/Deceit - Freeform, Blood, Deceit's name is Declyn in this, Depression, Dubious Consent, Eating Disorders, How Do I Tag, Human AU, Human Sides (Sanders Sides), I really needed to get this out, I'm probably forgetting a lot, I'm sorry I used your characters this way Thomas, Logan is a good friend, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Some Fluff, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Toxic Relationship, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Virgil Sanders/Deceit, because I like that name idk, but then, he's kind of a prick really, i guess, implied/referenced eating disorder, is a thing, jumps around a lot, kind of, like four?, marital rape, mentioned Morality | Patton Sanders, mentioned Prince Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, not a linear timeline, not so sympathetic deceit, some swear words?, unhealthy thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 02:35:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18651163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugoiKawaiiDesuNe/pseuds/SugoiKawaiiDesuNe
Summary: Snippets of Virgil's relationship with Declyn (Deceit).  Sometimes he can't understand what went wrong- sometimes he remembers it all too vividly.-----Please read the tags, guys, and stay safe, okay?  Let me know if I missed any?





	Natural

Virgil’s heart soared as their eyes met, an excited breathlessness overcoming him. He was positively giddy, and for once, he thought maybe he didn’t need oxygen to live after all, so long as he had Declyn.

Declyn’s eyes were a bright green, speckles of gold dusting the inner layer of his irises. His smile was perpetually crooked, lips forever quirked into a soft smirk, and a certain air always surrounded him, a confidence Virgil had always longed for.

Declyn was the most beautiful person he’d ever laid eyes on, and he was _his._ The very thought brought on another wave of flustered butterflies in his stomach, and his smile grew into a grin so large his cheeks began to ache.

He didn’t mind, though. How could he? He had never been so happy.

Declyn gave a soft laugh, seeming to understand the array of thoughts and emotions coursing through Virgil’s veins. Virgil could never find it in himself to be embarrassed around him, a welcome reprieve from his normal anxiety.

“I’m going to marry you, you know,” Declyn said, his words smooth and sure.

Virgil’s smile only grew as his gaze fell to their hands, fingers interlocked as Declyn’s thumb gently caressed his skin. A warmth he had never known but had always longed for had blossomed in his heart and shot through his veins, reaching the farthest corners of his being.

“I know,” he whispered back, because what else was there to say? Their relationship had always been easy, natural. They’d been together for a year now, of course the next step would be marriage. It was a given.

They were in love.

 

Virgil let out a shaky breath, feeling the dread pool in the pit of his stomach. Acid was already climbing into his throat, tears stinging behind his eyelids, and he struggled to get a grip on himself.

His fingers shook, and his chest ached, and the room spun, and he _couldn’t breathe._

A sob tried to wrack its way through his body but caught heavily in his throat as he leaned against the kitchen counters, slowly sliding down until he was but a heap on the cold wooden floor.

The cool surface grounded him in the moment, but he almost wished it hadn’t- he’d rather be anywhere but here.

Virgil could hear Declyn in the next room, laughing with his friends on a Skype call. He knew Declyn could hear him, struggling to catch his breath, his chest heaving with sobs. He vaguely wondered if he could even hear his heartbeat, pounding in his own ears, the only sound Virgil could hear aside from his own whimpers.

He tried to pull himself together enough to head upstairs, but he barely got his feet beneath him before the room shifted and he landed back on the hard, unforgiving floor once more.

The fight suddenly drained from his being, his limbs going limp as his head lolled back against the counter. His eyes stared unseeingly at the ceiling, a steady torrent of tears washing over his cheeks. His breaths were but small wheezes, and his chest ached horribly, but he was silent now.

Declyn’s boisterous laugh filled the silence of their apartment.

 

“How’s it going?”

Virgil smiled and tried to force the tears back as they sat next to each other in the soft grass of the back lawn. “Good,” he answered honestly, “Started a new job a couple of weeks ago.”

Declyn grinned at him, that same crooked smirk Virgil hadn’t seen in ages. “That’s great,” he commended, the sun catching in his eyes. “You’ve lost weight.”

Virgil tried not to flinch, his smile becoming a little more stilted, shoulders hunching together almost imperceptibly. “Yeah,” he answered, surprised by how even his voice sounded. “A little.”

Declyn didn’t seem to notice his discomfort, excitement pouring off him in waves. “That’s awesome! It’s probably because you’re working now, so you’ll probably lose more, too.”

Virgil nodded, a small twang of bitter hope fluttering in his chest. “Yeah, maybe.”

 

“Virgil…”

Declyn’s voice crackled over the phone, and Virgil held his breath, pressing the device ever closer to his ear, the metal burning against his skin in the cool night air.

Virgil tucked his knees closer to himself, his heart hammering in his chest. Silence stretched between them, and he hesitantly breathed out a sigh, his breath forming soft tendrils of steam in the chill of the night. “Yeah?”

A soft inhale filtered through the phone, and Virgil bit his lip, his fingers picking at the frays in his jeans.

“I love you,” came the whisper, so soft Virgil almost thought he’d imagined it, but he knew he hadn’t, and a wide smile cracked over his face. 

His cheeks burned, and his heart leapt, and he couldn’t bother to care how cliché it all was because _Declyn_ was the one making him feel this way.

His voice came out as a mere squeak as he hastily answered, “I love you too.”

Declyn’s smile was audible, palpable even, and Virgil couldn’t keep the excited tremors from racking through his body. He had never been so in love.

 

Virgil couldn’t take any more. His cheeks were stained with tears, and his head was clouded, foggy. He stumbled down the stairs, wincing at the noise he made. Not that it mattered, Declyn hardly noticed as he continued to laugh into his phone, his eyes never leaving his T.V. screen.

Virgil could hear his friend’s voice through the phone even from the hall, and it only served to worsen his growing migraine. With a growl, he shoved his feet into his worn-out sneakers and stomped out the door- but he was still careful not to slam the door. He had neighbors to think about.

The winter air bit at his skin incessantly, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He shoved his hands into his hoodie’s pockets and started walking, not quite sure where he was going, or when he would come back.

The only thought running through his mind was that he had to _get away from there._

Declyn was great, but he could be rather insensitive. Virgil had told him when Declyn had first gotten home that afternoon that he’d had the beginnings of a migraine all day. 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Declyn had offered.

Virgil had hesitated, curling further into the blankets wrapped around his shoulders before nodding slowly. “Can you just… hold me for a little while?” he’d whispered. Because of course Virgil’s migraines had to come with a side of emotional vulnerability.

Declyn had paused, muscles tensing just slightly, but his smile never faltered. “Sure,” he’d replied smoothly, “Just in a little bit, okay? Parker needed to talk to me about something.”

Virgil had frowned but nodded his understanding. “Soon though?”

Declyn had smiled at him over his shoulder, already halfway out the door. “Soon, I promise.”

Six hours had passed since then, and not only had Declyn never made it back to their room, but his voice had been steadily growing louder ever since he’d called his friend.

Virgil’s head felt like it was going to implode.

He wouldn’t mind if it did.

He shook that thought away violently, eyes squeezing tightly shut as tears threatened to spill over again. He hated crying. He hated feeling weak.

Virgil’s feet led him to a playground just a little way from his apartment. The moonlight barely shown through the trees, and Virgil found an odd comfort in its darkness. He gingerly climbed up the plastic steps and sat on the edge of the slide, pulling his knees tightly against his chest.

The cold air burned his lungs, but at least he could feel it.

An hour passed, nearly two, before Virgil’s numbed mind registered the sound of footsteps. Panic briefly shot through his veins, but he slowly lifted his gaze to the approaching man before him.

“What are you doing out here?” Declyn asked, his voice softer than Virgil ever remembered it being.

He opened his mouth, ready to remind Declyn of his promise, of his migraine, of his _existence._ Bitterness roiled in his stomach, until suddenly it didn’t. His body felt like lead, and his head felt as though it was stuffed with big fluffy clouds, and his chest felt empty, and no more tears would come.

“Just needed some air,” he heard himself say.

Declyn seemed to hesitate for a moment before crossing the final space between them. He held his hand out, and Virgil gently took the offer, Declyn helping him down the slide and pulling him to his feet.

“You’ll get a cold,” Declyn murmured, wrapping an arm around Virgil’s numbed shoulders.

Virgil didn’t answer, and they made their way back home in silence, the sound of crinkling leaves beneath their feet settling in the air around them.

 

“I do.”

Virgil’s heart swelled at the two simple words, his grin wide and blush high on his cheeks as he stared into Declyn’s eyes.

Virgil could barely hear the rest of the words being spoken, but he leapt at his opportunity to kiss his love, clutching tightly to his arms as Declyn pulled him in close.

It was weird kissing him in front of a hundred people, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. All that mattered in that moment was _Declyn._  
Declyn’s smile was the largest Virgil had ever seen, and it made his chest feel warm because he knew that smile was for him, alone. He had put it there.

Declyn loved him.

 _His husband_ loved him.

 

Virgil slumped against the toilet bowl, too drained to care for the unsanitary position. His head was pounding, blood rushing through his ears, and he could feel his sobs shaking his body, but he could no longer hear them.

Dread had sunk its claws deep into his being, and he _ached-_ with shame and regret and also a sick burn of relief which just started the cycle over.

He hadn’t meant to be so loud.

Declyn was suddenly at his side, arms wrapped loosely around his shoulders as he cradled him into his chest and whispered soft soothing words.

Virgil couldn’t hear them, and he curled up further into himself, into Declyn, pressing his face against his lover’s chest and trying desperately to breathe.

“What happened, baby?” Declyn asked softly, “are you sick?”

Virgil gave a bitter laugh and shook his head. “I’m- I’m sorry,” he managed, his voice broken as more sobs erupted from him, “I tr... tried.”

Declyn seemed to understand, and he gently tugged Virgil closer, kissing his hair. “Shh, Virge… it’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Virgil choked out, more tears falling down his face.

“It is… It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

Virgil’s gut clenched, knowing that he didn’t deserve Declyn’s support, especially not in this. He nodded anyway.

“Relapses happen,” Declyn murmured.

Virgil’s tears only came harder, a million apologies running through his mind, but no way to voice them in his current state.

Declyn gently pulled him up, waiting for him to regain some of his balance before leading him into the bedroom. He helped Virgil into bed and under the heavy blankets, and he crawled in after him, tucking his body securely around Virgil’s.

Virgil’s breaths began to even out as Declyn pulled him close, his skin warm against his back, his arms wrapped tightly- protectively- around his waist. He squeezed his eyes shut and willed himself to fall asleep.

Maybe it would be better in the morning.

At least he had Declyn.

 

It was a mess. A blundering, giggling mess. And Virgil wouldn’t have it any other way.

Declyn was so _shy_ as he kissed him, arms on either side of his head, only slightly stalling for what they were about to do.

They were both inexperienced, something they both took comfort in, but Declyn had wanted to try for a while, and Virgil was finally ready.

They were away for the weekend, in a nice hotel with fancy sheets and no other guests on their floor. It was the perfect time.

Declyn smiled down at Virgil with a softness he rarely showed, his eyes shining with excitement and anticipation and _love,_ and Virgil loved him, and he wanted this, and it was happening.

They were absolute fools, giggling and repositioning every so often, and just taking their time to make it work.

Virgil wouldn’t have it any other way.

It was perfect.

 

Virgil groaned and batted at Declyn’s face, the peppering of kisses on his shoulder were rather nice, but he knew where this was going, and he wasn’t in the mood.

Depression had hit Virgil hard for the past two weeks, and he was still struggling with getting out of bed each morning. When he did manage to pull himself up, it was only to eat a small snack or relieve himself in the bathroom. He pointedly ignored his reflection, as every time he caught a glimpse of it, he would immediately crawl back under his blankets, hiding from the world. Hiding from Declyn.

“Babe,” Declyn whispered, and there was something light in his tone that hadn’t been there in a while. It made Virgil ache, and he slowly rolled over to blink up at him blearily.

“What?” he muttered, his voice still thick from sleep.

“You wanna have sex?”

Virgil stared at the crooked grin on his husband’s face, a cold dread settling in his stomach.

“Not really,” he coughed out.

Declyn’s smile didn’t wane at all. “Oh, come on, it might make you feel better?”

Virgil huffed out a laugh. “How?”

Declyn shrugged, his voice easy and carefree as he answered, “It’s pretty good exercise. It might help you lose weight.”

Virgil’s albeit small smile fell away immediately, his eyes dark and cold as he rolled away from his love. “I don’t know.”

Declyn seemed to think that was a yes, because he rolled Virgil back onto his back, straddling his thighs as he kissed him hard. 

Virgil used to like when Declyn kissed him like that, but now he couldn’t remember what a soft kiss felt like, and the longing burned within him.

He was painfully aware of Declyn’s fingers itching up under his shirt, leaving long pink scratches in his pale skin. His breath caught in his throat, and he shifted, though he wasn’t sure if it was to bring himself closer to Declyn, or to _get away._

Declyn’s mouth moved from his own down to his neck as his fingers dipped lower, as well, and soon Virgil was sporting a dark purple bruise against his neck and nothing else.

Declyn didn’t even try to warm Virgil up, didn’t bother to make sure he was ready. He lined himself up, and Virgil’s body tensed against his will. Declyn noticed this, and he leaned down to kiss Virgil’s lips once more, a fierce attack that had Virgil’s head spinning in all the wrong ways, and then he bit down onto his lip, hard enough that Virgil immediately tasted his own blood, and he was gasping in pain not only from his lip but from the searing pain shooting through his body.

Virgil’s body arched up off the bed, his face contorting into an expression of sheer agony, as Declyn continued to kiss him with just as much force and vigor as before, only pausing to plant more sharp bites along his jaw.

Virgil squirmed relentlessly, his palms flushed against his husband’s chest, weakly pushing him away, but it was no use. He hadn’t had any energy for days, and he certainly didn’t have any now when he felt as though he was being torn apart from the inside out.

It burned, and his neck ached, and his lips were swollen, and he couldn’t keep his tears at bay, and all he could think was that Declyn was _supposed to love him,_ protect him, but he couldn’t bring himself to be mad at him because at least he saw _something_ in him, something that made him want Virgil so bad he couldn’t take no for an answer.

Maybe he doesn’t realize how bad it hurts, he thought, but that thin ray of hope was crushed as they lay panting next to one another, Virgil’s eyes glazed over from tears and Declyn’s muscles as relaxed as ever.

“My- my lips are swollen,” Virgil whispered numbly, a cold unlike he’d ever experienced before settling into his bones.

Declyn’s head turned toward him, a breathless laugh on his lips. “Sorry about that,” he said easily, “I thought the pain would distract you.”

Virgil tensed once more, his whole body aching in protest. Something snapped within his gut, and his tears came to an abrupt halt. “That’s kind of mean,” he muttered, almost low enough Declyn couldn’t hear.

He did hear, though, and another laugh escaped him as he pushed himself off the bed and pulled his clothes back on, readying himself to go back downstairs to his on-hold Skype call with his friends. “It worked, didn’t it?”

No, Virgil thought, the pain was only more intense, overwhelming. 

He didn’t say anything.

Declyn left without another word.

 

“Hey, I have a surprise for you when you get home.”

Virgil smiled into the phone as he slid into his car, turning the ignition and pulling his seatbelt over his chest. “Oh? What’s the occasion?”

“That I have the best husband in the world,” came the quick reply, and Virgil let an airy giggle escape him.

“Aw, I thought I did,” he answered, the flirty air between them a bit unusual lately but certainly not unwelcome now.

Declyn’s vibrant laugh filtered through the speaker, making Virgil’s toes curl in awe. “You’re going to love it.”

Virgil grinned as he checked his mirrors and began backing out of his parking space, ready to get home and see his lover and his surprise. “I’m sure I will. I’ve gotta go, baby, I’ll see you soon.”

“Alright, see you soon!”

Virgil was nearly vibrating with excitement as he pulled into his parking space in front of their apartment. He quickly turned the engine off and climbed out of the car, practically skipping up to the door with a bright grin plastered onto his face.

He rang the doorbell, as Declyn had instructed him via text, and his smile only grew as Declyn threw the door open, his hair a beautiful disheveled mess as he eagerly pulled Virgil into a tight embrace.

“Welcome home!” he cheered.

Virgil laughed, pulling away slightly so that he could look up into the eyes that captivated him so often. “I was only gone for two days,” he reminded him.

Declyn shrugged and kissed his cheek. “But I missed you. And I’ve got a surprise for you!”

Virgil laughed again, nodding. “Alright, so do I get to see it, or what?”

Declyn’s grin turned even brighter as he laced their fingers together and began to lead Virgil inside. “Close your eyes.”

Virgil hated not being able to see, the unknown- no matter how trivial of a thing- was one of his biggest fears, and his stomach lurched with a sudden wave of anxiety. Still, he pushed those feelings down, focusing on the warmth of his husband’s hand. He trusted Declyn.

Virgil’s eyes slid closed, and he laughed when Declyn told him not to peek. He felt himself being led through the small corridor and into the kitchen, and he could hear Declyn’s excitement as he told him to open his eyes.

Virgil’s eyes widened as they flittered about the room. The kitchen- and the dining room, from what he could see- was absolutely spotless, a feat that hadn’t been accomplished in their home for a while. As much as Virgil craved- needed- a clean and orderly space, his depression had been making it rather difficult to do much of anything lately, let alone wash the dishes and clean out the refrigerator.

But Declyn had given the kitchen a deep cleansing whilst he was away, and it didn’t stop there. The entire house was immaculate, and Virgil felt a heavy weight he hadn’t noticed he’d been carrying lift from his shoulders, tears springing to his eyes as he curled his arms around Declyn’s waist.

“Thank you,” he muttered.

Declyn beamed as he returned the embrace wholeheartedly. “I know it isn’t much, but I know you’ve been stressing over it, and I thought it was the least I could do.”

Virgil’s laugh was watery, but he nodded against Declyn’s chest. “It means more than you know,” he whispered. “Thank you, Declyn.”

He could feel Declyn’s soft smile as he kissed his hair. “I love you, Virgil.”

“I love you too.”

 

“Declyn, can you please bring your plate into the kitchen when you’re done?” Virgil asked sweetly, hoping to hide the exasperation building within him.

Declyn barely looked over his shoulder from the T.V. as he answered, “Yeah, sure!”

Virgil frowned but didn’t comment as he went back to organizing the kitchen. It wasn’t as much of a mess as it had been in the past, but he didn’t want it to get any worse, and he’d been in a fairly good mood lately, so he had decided to reorganize the whole room to better suit his needs.

An hour or so passed like that before he was done with everything but the dishes. Peeking his head around the corner, he watched as Declyn stared intently at his screen, his phone up to his ear. Virgil could hear Parker’s laugh from the other end, and he could see Declyn’s empty plate lying on the ground.

“Declyn, baby?”

No response.

“Dee?”

Declyn’s head turned a little toward him, but his eyes were still glued to the television, and his attention was still rather obviously on his phone call.

“Declyn,” he said in flat tone.

“What?” Declyn hissed as he spun around to face him, his eyes cold. 

Virgil’s lips tugged down into a frown as he nodded his head in the direction of Declyn’s plate. “Are you going to bring that into the kitchen?”

Declyn sighed and immediately turned back to the screen. “In a minute.”

Virgil sighed. “I’m about to do the dishes.”

“Then just get it yourself, Virgil, I’m busy right now.”

Virgil stared at Declyn for a while, his gaze hardening, and suddenly it was though he was watching the exchange from somewhere outside his body. He felt numb as he stepped into the living room and silently picked up the plate from the floor, ignoring Declyn’s too-loud laughter even as it tried to grate against his skull.

Maybe he dropped the plate into the sink a little too loudly.

Maybe he didn’t, since Declyn never seemed to notice.

 

Virgil’s arm stung, but the pain in his chest was far worse, and he forced himself to make the movement again, a thin red line trailing along his skin.

Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes, but he wouldn’t let them fall- he’d cried too much already.

The sweet relief of apathy was just beginning to take root when Declyn walked into the room.

Virgil’s eyes met his, and he slowly slid his sleeve back down and curled further into himself against the wall, never breaking eye contact.

Declyn sighed as he crossed the room, sitting on the edge of the bed just in front of Virgil. Silently, he reached out and grabbed his husband’s wrist, pulling the sleeve up to reveal the ten or so cuts etched into the skin at the elbow.

“What the hell are you doing, Virge?”

Virgil winced at the resigned tone in his lover’s voice and gently tugged his wrist away, running his fingers along the far-too-fresh cuts before covering them once more.

“I’m sad,” he said. It’s all he could say. The numbing effect of his habit had already taken hold, and his brain was foggy, not quite able to understand this was real.

Declyn’s smile was strained, broken. “You have nothing to be sad about.”

Virgil flinched back, holding his injured arm to his chest. He stared down into his lap, slowly nodding. “But I’m still sad.”

Declyn sighed again, and when Virgil looked up, he had tears in his eyes. “You can’t do this, Virgil…”

He felt a twinge of guilt, tears prickling at his eyes once more.

“If you do this again… If you cut yourself again,” Declyn whispered, though his voice was strong and showed he was not to be argued with, “I’m putting you in the hospital.”

Virgil’s apathy shattered like a broken mirror around him, and he cringed as though the shards had embedded themselves deep within his skin. “N-no,” he muttered, the tears finally breaking free and pouring over his cheeks, searing his skin. “No, you can’t- I can’t, no, Dee- Declyn…”

“Then don’t do it anymore,” Declyn said, his icy gaze matching the cold tone of his voice. His fingers wrapped firmly around Virgil’s wrist, the touch alone almost as painful as the fresh cuts just above.

Virgil’s throat tightened as he nodded through his tears. “I’m- sorry,” he choked, and Declyn said nothing as he wrapped his arms around him and pulled him against his chest.

He held him like that for what felt like hours, until Virgil’s tears had stopped, and his eyes began to droop. 

The shame still curled within his gut as Declyn kissed his forehead, and he fell into a restless sleep.

 

“You’ve never seen _Titanic?”_ Virgil asked with an amused laugh.

Declyn grinned and shook his head. “No, I haven’t. Is it good?”

“How about you find out?” he asked, crossing the room to where the DVD was lying haphazardly atop the television.

Declyn shrugged. “Sure, as long as you’ll watch it with me.”

Virgil laughed as he popped the disc in and started the movie, crawling back into bed and snuggling up close to his boyfriend.

“Of course, I’ll watch it with you, it’s my movie,” he grinned.

Declyn chuckled and pulled him in close, kissing his hair. “Or maybe we’ll just pretend to watch,” he said, and Virgil could practically see his eyebrows wiggling in a supposed-to-be-seductive manner even as his face was pressed tightly against his chest.

He laughed softly and pressed a featherlike kiss to Declyn’s neck, grinning at the shiver he felt go down his lover’s spine. “Maybe we will.”

 

Virgil’s chest constricted as he paced the room, his vision blurring not just from tears but from lack of sleep and nourishment. He hadn’t slept in two days, hadn’t eaten in four. 

Declyn was being an ignorant prick again.

All Virgil had wanted was a simple hello, a soft kiss, an I miss you- _something!_ But Declyn had come in from work and immediately called Parker, plopping himself in front of that damned television, and Virgil had so politely, so quietly, asked for his attention- _just a moment of it-_ and Declyn had snapped at him. He needs space, he just got home, fucking chill, Virgil-

Virgil had been in a rather good mood, all things considered, but it was shattered with that gut-wrenching, ice cold stare of his lover’s, and that wasn’t right, was it? When did Declyn start looking at him that way? When did he start yelling at him for so little? When did Virgil suddenly start hating his guts and wishing he could leave- for good?

His breaths were becoming erratic, and he knew he had to calm down, but he was furious- he didn’t get angry often, how long had this been building up? He wasn’t sure, he couldn’t remember, but he could suddenly remember every scathing word, every hateful look, every night he’d cried himself to sleep- what the hell was he doing here? This wasn’t healthy-

A knock sounded on the door, and Virgil’s head snapped to the sound, his eyes wide, his body frozen in shock or fear or _something-_

“Virgil?” Declyn asked in a soothing lilt of his voice, poking his head into the door.

Virgil couldn’t quite make out the expression on his face, the emotions swimming in his too-beautiful eyes.

“I heard you crying,” he said as he took one slow step into the room. “What’s wrong?”

Virgil felt like exploding, he wanted to slam his fists into Declyn’s chest and scream at him all the ways he’d hurt him and make him feel half as bad as he had made him feel- but his eyes were shining in the natural sunlight from the window, and his lips were soft and pink and parted just enough to see a sliver of his tongue, and his hair fell messily into his eyes _just right-_

A loud sob escaped Virgil’s lungs as he fell into his husband’s arms, clinging tightly to his waist and burying his face into his chest.

“What’s wrong, Virge?” Declyn asked again, his arms coming to rest on Virgil’s back, rubbing soothing circles into his skin.

Virgil couldn’t even remember why he was crying.

“I love you so- so much,” he whispered instead.

Declyn paused, just a moment, and whispered back, “I love you too.”

 

“I don’t really like any of your friends,” Declyn said with a laugh.

Virgil laughed too, though his voice sounded too strained even to his own ears. “Well that sucks, I only have three.”

“Well,” Declyn amended, “Logan’s okay, I think I like him the most.”

Virgil nodded, not trusting his voice.

“And Patton’s alright, he’s just a little… much?”

Virgil again nodded; he could understand that Patton’s energy could be a bit to handle. Still, a bitter anger began to fester within him as he listened to his lover.

“I really just hate Roman, sorry.”

Virgil didn’t think Declyn was that sorry at all, considering the bright, cheeky grin stretched across his face. He forced another laugh. “He’s a bit of a handful,” he said, and his eyes darkened dangerously, “but he’s my friend.”

Declyn seemed to realize his mistake, though he still didn’t seem at all remorseful. “Right, well, I’m not telling you not to be friends with him, or any of them. I’m glad you’re friends with them! They’re just, not my type of friends.”

Virgil wanted to slap the grin off his husband’s face, but he focused on keeping up his own pinched, poor excuse of a smile with a great deal of effort. “Yeah, well, they’re all I’ve got, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.”

Declyn’s smile suddenly faltered, and Virgil hated how he took pride in that. They didn’t say anything more as Declyn returned to texting Parker, and Virgil continued getting ready before heading out to meet his friends.

 

Virgil’s hands shook, and something awful- dreadful- curled in the pit of his stomach. He was going to be sick, or he was going to die- blood rushing through his veins and in his lungs and behind his eyes- he was choking, on air? On blood- On tears.

He was hyperventilating, Declyn was, too- They were holding each other, hot streams of tears cascading down both of their cheeks, creating a sea between them- or was that already there? How long had that great expanse been there?

“I’m sorry,” Declyn murmured against his hair, kissing it gently. “I’m so sorry.”

“What did I do wrong?” Virgil managed, his voice cracking several times and making him wince.

 _“Nothing,”_ Declyn answered, and his voice shook with so much emotion, Virgil knew it to be the truth- there was nothing he could have done. They were doomed from the start.

He took a sick comfort in that thought.

“I’ll go live with Parker, until… Until we can…”

Virgil shook his head, not daring to meet Declyn’s gaze. “This is your house,” he muttered, “I’ll go.”

“… Where will you go?”

Virgil shrugged. “I’m sure Patton or Logan or Roman would let me stay with them for a while…” He laughed, sharp and bitter, “If not I guess I can be homeless instead.”

Declyn frowned and pulled Virgil even tighter against his chest, “Don’t say that… I’d rather you stay here than be homeless…”

Virgil sighed, feeling the most loved by Declyn than he had in a long while- years maybe? That was rather sad, considering-

“They’re not going to let me be homeless, Dee, don’t worry…”

Declyn only kissed his hair again in response, the sound of their teary breathing filling the once warm bedroom.

Virgil knew he would have to tear himself from Declyn’s arms soon, that he would have to pack his things and head out if he wanted to make it to Logan’s by dark.

But for now, he curled in even closer to his soon to be ex-husband’s chest.

 

Logan’s eyes were wide as Virgil blurted out what had happened- “Declyn doesn’t love me anymore. I’m moving out.”

In an instant, Logan’s arms were wrapped around Virgil’s frame, holding him tight as if he were afraid Virgil would literally fall apart without his support.

“Are you okay?”

Virgil sighed contemplatively as he brought his hands up to rest on Logan’s back, giving him an appreciative squeeze. “Yeah,” he said quietly, “I am.”

Logan pulled back, skepticism in his gaze as he looked him over. Virgil only gave him a soft half smile, his eyes free of tears for the first time in months. 

“I’m fine, Lo. This is… good. It’s not ideal, and it sucks, but,” he shrugged, “I’m okay.”

Logan pursed his lips as he continued to stare at him but eventually relented. “You can stay here, for as long as you’d like.”

Virgil smiled up at his friend. “You sure?”

Logan looked genuinely offended as he rolled his eyes. “Of course, Virgil.”

Virgil laughed softly and bit his lip. “Thanks, Logan.”

“Anytime… Have you told Roman or Patton yet?”

He shook his head. “No, I love them, but this all happened so fast, and I kind of just need to be in a… calm space right now.”

Logan nodded his understanding as he reached out and patted Virgil’s arm. “Of course. You will have plenty of time to tell them,” he assured.

Virgil smiled and nodded, “Yeah, maybe tomorrow.” He pressed his palm to his mouth as a large yawn overcame him, and Logan’s expression softened at the sight.

“How about we get some sleep?”

Virgil scrunched his nose up in contempt, shaking his head. “I’m exhausted, but I don’t think I can sleep yet.”

Logan hummed in thought before he began leading his friend into the living room and to the sofa. “Would you care for a movie then?”

Virgil grinned and plopped down onto the soft cushions, already pulling the blanket from the back of the couch and around his shoulders. “Sure, what do you have in mind?”

 _“The Black Cauldron?”_ Logan suggested, a hint of a smirk on his lips. He knew that was Virgil’s favorite.

His grin grew a little wider as he watched Logan already pulling out the disc. “Sounds great.”

Once the movie began to play, Logan gingerly tucked himself next to Virgil, forcing the other man to share the nearly too small blanket as they curled into one another for added warmth and comfort.

“Hey, Virgil?” Logan murmured somewhere in the midst of the movie.

Virgil was nearly half asleep, but he allowed his head to roll onto his friend’s shoulder and peered up at him through his lashes. “Hmm?”

Logan paused, long enough that Virgil began to think he had imagined him speaking at all.

“I never liked Declyn anyway.”

Virgil blinked up at him and promptly snorted, closing his eyes and nuzzling into his friend’s shoulder. 

“Thanks, Lo.”

 

“Virgil?”

Virgil bit his lip, trying and failing to keep the grin off his face.

Declyn seemed to be losing that battle of his own, and Virgil thought the slight blush along his cheeks was going to be the death of him- death by cuteness, he could live with that.

“What would you say… if I told you I liked someone?”

Virgil felt his heart leap in his chest, a giddy rush flowing through his veins. “Do you?”

Declyn’s smile only grew as he stepped closer to Virgil, his eyes trained on the grass between them. “Maybe… There’s this boy,” he began, his eyes shifting to the clouds above them, “He’s… He saved me, when I was at my lowest point.”

Virgil felt a pang of remembrance, the memory of Declyn’s broken smile and soft moans as he cried in his arms still too fresh in his mind.

But the boy before him was different- healed. Maybe not completely, but he was making so much progress, and Virgil was so proud of him. He wanted to help Declyn as much as he had helped him.

“And I think…” Declyn continued, seemingly unaware of Virgil’s spiraling memories, “I think I’ve fallen for him pretty hard.”

Virgil smiled and subconsciously stepped even closer to his friend. “I think… you should tell him.”

“Yeah?” Declyn asked with a teasing smirk.

Virgil allowed a small smirk of his own to play on his lips. “Yeah.”

Declyn reached forward and gently laced their fingers together, his thumb brushing against Virgil’s skin soothingly. “I like you, Virgil.”

Virgil’s heart soared, pounding against his ribs as though trying desperately to escape and fall into the hands of the man before him. He couldn’t have hoped to hide his grin as he closed the gap between them, wrapping his arms loosely around Declyn’s waist.

“I like you too, Declyn.”

It was only natural.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first Sanders Sides fic (and my first story on this site in general), and it's probably the most emotional one I've ever written. It's very personal to me, and I've been itching to get it out for a while, and I hate to use Thomas's beautiful creations in such a way, but his characters gave me the perfect outlet, so I can't thank him enough for that.  
> Thank you to all who reads and comments/leaves kudos/just... listens? It means a lot.


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